I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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