I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Randomize
