Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
I just realized that when I walk away people probably say "wow she really has a drinking problem" and sadly it doesn't bother me.
I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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