I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
Just had another dream about being on Real Chance of Love. I think it's a sign.
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
you're in nursing school, now tell me what to do about a burned clit.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
Dude, we took our shirts off and set our chest hair on fire. That's a low point.
You raise a valid concern
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
Randomize
