be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
Randomize
