I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
Randomize
