Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
this guy at work is bossing me around at work. He is 24 and still has highlights and spikes his hair.
You're getting bossed around by a 1999 Highschool Yearbook picture?
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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