Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
she has over 3,000 tagged photos on facebook. dont tell me she isnt annoying.
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Randomize
