I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
Randomize
