JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
Let's paint friendship bongs
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
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