im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Randomize
