Joe is yelling at the trees again.
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
