I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Randomize
