I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
i dont even know how to be here
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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