frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
the tv said "its small, its comfortable..." and i started laughing... safe to say he lost any dignity he had left...
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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