i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
We will have to stop frequently for food, stretching legs, interesting things on the side of the road, and sex. So you might as well eat.
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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