I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize
