You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
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