I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
Randomize
