I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
my poor anus
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
Randomize
