So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
So..he puked on my dress and I had to walk back to the dorms in his little sisters Scooby Doo pajamas.
I don't know you.
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
