I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
how do chicks with those acryllic nails wipe their anuses?
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
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