we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
I went with the blow up doll and I'm glad I did.
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
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