goodnight i made you a song goodbye
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
At least my fat-chick-ratio has not been that bad this semester ...
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Randomize
