I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
Randomize