Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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