i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
I think that maybe Alyssa may of had too much to drink. is it normal for her to straddle random people in quizno's?
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
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