This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
Randomize
