fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
I'm reading about reasons for wearing clothing. IS THIS COLLEGE OR PRESCHOOL?
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
Don't tell me wow. Tell me this is normal for college and in no way am I a whore.
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
Randomize
