I hope you get the herp and dife. The emd.
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
