Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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