I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
