I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
Help. All alone. Room is. Changing colors. Dance party 2010, but without dancing.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
Randomize
