I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Randomize
