my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
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