I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
