My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
Randomize
