also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
50% drunk capacity currently
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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