I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
Tornado booty call.. dedication
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
And to add, there was a fat guy right next to me who, when the girls would shake their butts, he would let out a shrill xena warrior princess cheer
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
pls come tAke this super bath no romo it's just. so nice.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
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