I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
What would you say if someone told you they liked your lips?
Which ones?
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
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