and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
PS: I just woke up from my shower
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
I took did three shots of fireball and did and handstand. When I stood up some busty slut lead me my the hand down the hall into her dorm room.
But I'm sure your having and "a monumentally better time" repeating the 12th grade
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
Randomize
