i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
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