My friends, they love my intelligence
what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
he wants to bone in the snuggie
you are hot. that is all.
who is this?
the delivery driver from silvermine.
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
Randomize
