turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
better to have posed nude and lost than to never have posed nude at all...thats what i always say
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
Drinking games this Saturday as usual although the ice cube tray game is banned due to last weeks incident
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
Stop getting drunk and running away. I can'tell chase you. Iim in heels and have big boobs. Running is a bad idea for me.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
Randomize
