make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
dude im at a party with a bunch of 17 year old gilrs this is awesome
no its not leave
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
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