Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
I am fine. Katie thinkr i broke things pole dancing. I am coherant.
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Randomize