there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
vagina is talking i cant
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
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