Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
this boner is exhausting
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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