i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
i just saw a white kid with an afro using a martini shaker as a coffee thermos. go college.
so let's talk penis.
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
All I want is dick and wine.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
Randomize
