I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Randomize
