I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
