my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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