In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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