Girls should come with a carfax report
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
Randomize
