So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
at the topless march for equality..and wow.not all these boobs should be treated equally
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
