I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
I queefed so loud it echoed.
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
Randomize