Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
She needs sedatives and a leash
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
Randomize