It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
