We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
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