My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
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