And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
Randomize