My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
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